Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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