I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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