I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
