He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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