so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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