I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Randomize
