I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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