life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
