my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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