You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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