Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
sarcasm needs its own font
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You need a sexual gate keeper
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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