I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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