So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
