I am puke
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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