the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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