i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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