Whod you bang
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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