Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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