If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
