theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
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Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox