Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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