thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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