Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
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