it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
