i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize