why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
