you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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