she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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