Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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