you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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