mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
