I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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