I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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