I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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