Plan B is the new Plan A
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
