i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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