she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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