My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
