Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
