whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
