I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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