4 words: hood of his car
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
