My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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