Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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