If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
