why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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