i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
