Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
