I puked a lego.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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