Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sarcasm needs its own font
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
