During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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