Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
