Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
