i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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