I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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