he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
