At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
