At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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