Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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