Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
