just tell him i said nine months
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
