I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.