this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
