I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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